To be sixteen and engaged.
Sure, there are doubts. I would be stupid if I didn't doubt. It would be stupid to believe any promise that came out of another person's mouth. What level of sincerety, I can only guess.
But, I can trust. That's where I am at. I have released the wall of gaurd and let it down. He is now in my castle. Abusing it, or praising it (again, I can only guess.)
I have this pretty ring to show for it. Real gold and ruby. I never liked gold, but if it was silver, it wouldn't have looked so... Important, I guess. I am not a real material girl, but this ring makes me feel special. I couldn't stop gazing at it. I acidentally caught myself pecking at it because I missed him...
He would have liked to hear that. Oh boy, would he ever! Probably because I told him you are not supposed to treat sentimental objects that special, because you would never forgive yourself if you lost it... And the fact that he busted his ass to get it for me.
Life is so high right now. It feels like I am floating on top of everything. And I can actually breathe without feeling like I might sink.
My heart is happy. That doesn't mean I am not scared.
Oh, Lord. I am petrified a bit. Spending the REST of your life with one person. No other flavor. No other crushes... No dating other people. It's done. I have hardly dated people at all...
Then again, if I never really did that much, then I can't miss it that much. That's good. That's a good feeling.
So keeping this virginity thing gets harder and harder each time I am in ecstacy. Sometimes I feel like I am going to break and rape him somehow, but then I think about it and it makes me feel really sick! How could I have thought that way? I hope he forgives me. And I'd rather not tell him. I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I have decided my future at a YOUNG age. And I am going to stick with it, unless he breaks a serious promise. Then I am free. I don't want to be free. "I want to feel wanted. I want to feel wanted by someone I want. If that someone doesn't want me, then I obviously don't want him anymore." Yeah, that's how I love. I wonder if Trai is an exception... I know for the last guy wasn't.
I kept having unhealthy thoughts that he did it on accident, and he wants me still. That he felt stupid and thought about it just as much as I did. I thought there was some kind of conspiracy, and someone was making him say no... That's what you get when you believe lies. A face full of fuck.
So this is what I call stuck. You can make it a bad thing if you will. I choose to make the best of it.
